Angry Raisins

On the métro today, I saw a woman reading a book entitled, "Les raisins de la colère".

I thought to myself, "What an interesting title, 'The raisins/grapes of anger'." I began imagining what the book could have been about, when I saw the name of the author: John Steinbeck.

Lingua Franca?

The news here has been rightfully dominated by the impending (or ongoing?) Euro zone crisis. Some have proclaimed the end of the Euro currency as we know it, others say that the dollar itself is in trouble. As the debate rages on about whether all currency should be pegged against U.S. Dollar (i.e., Bretton-Woods), I began having a set a of experiences that made me think: Are all languages pegged to English the way that all currencies are pegged against the U.S. Dollar?

It was not so long ago that France was the notorious last holdout against the barrage of English-speaking hegemony. However, it seems that, even in France, English is starting to become the vernacular of the masses. From waiters to taxi drivers to people at my outdoor market, the slightest hint that you do not understand is reason enough to start speaking English regardless of your race or national origin. Two recent experiences serve to solidify this

Case Example 1
I recently ventured into one of the Paris Chinatowns. As all happy families are alike, so too are all Chinatowns. While certain brands may vary, and the produce may inherits a distinctly local flavor, at the end of the day, Chinatown (SF) is Chinatown (NYC) is Chinatown (Paris). It is thus with confidence that I made my way into Tang Frères, a veritable emporium of all things Asian and edible. Lost in the labyrinth of aisles as I looked for sesame seeds, I approached a Chinese youth who I assumed spoke Chinese.

He did not speak Chinese -- and I didn't know the French word for "sesame." He took out his iPhone and asked me to write it out in Chinese. After some deep breathing to retrieve the characters from the recesses of my mind, I managed to scribble something that his iPod recognized as Chinese. Suddenly, the word "sesame" popped up --- in English! He looked at the word and without hesitation directed me to another aisle.

Chinese to French via English.

Case Example 2
My barber is Japanese, and although he speaks French, it is so heavily accented he might as well be speaking Tagalog as far as I'm concerned. I speak Japanese, but really, I don't like to let Japanese people know that because (1) it's been a really long time, and (2) I don't want them to feel too comfortable speaking with me....

One day he asked me about my vacation to Provence and the following ensued:

Him: Did you go to the sea? ("la mer")
Me: My mother? ("ma mère")
Him: No, the sea ("la mer")
Me: [puzzled look coupled with look of abject fear that I didn't understand something I should have]
Him: (in English) The sea [NB: really, more like "za shii"]
Me: OH..... (in Japanese, because this farce was tiring) the sea ("umi")

French to Japanese via English

So, will English become, or is it already -- ironically -- the lingua franca? Maybe. In the meantime, I'll keep my French up.

An Honest Assessment II

In a conversation with a charming older French woman, she said the following after finding out that I am American:

"But you are not fat! The Americans -- and above all the American women ("americaines") -- are so large. It's obesity is what it is! It is like an S-shape: one curve for the stomach and one curve for the ass. How could they let themselves get like that?!"

I responded that I attributed the health situation to the high levels of high fructose corn syrup. She responded, "But something must be done! I don't understand it, America -- it is such a beautiful civilization (emphasis added). Really, such a pity."

So, there you have it: it's not radical Islam or right-wing fundamentalism threatening American civilization, guys. It's high-fructose corn syrup.

My Washing Machine

Recently, I spent an involved week and a half in "negotiation" with my washing machine, which decided apparently with no reason, to refuse to empty itself of water. I purchased my French washing machine from the previous tenant of my apartment at a substantial discount. (Kitchens in French rentals are unequipped with anything -- no refrigerators, no ovens, no stoves, no washing machines.) Since I moved in, my washing machine has been a font of knowledge about what to expect, and how to deal with, service in France.

Rule No. 1: All time is relative

My washing machine taught me this maxim on the day that it broke. Despite saying that the load would take 2 hours to finish (yes, Americans, and that is just washing), it was still working its way through the cycle about three hours later. I later found out that it would never finish the cycle because the machine could not empty the water.

In the larger context of French service, this rule comes up in various contexts. First, when French service people tell you that something will take 2 or 3 days, it might as well mean a week or a month (especially if it's the Summer Holidays), depending on the circumstances and how they count time. Second, when a store sign indicates that the store opens or closes on a particular day or a particular hour, this is merely an "indication" subject to the whim of the owner without so much as an explanation beyond "fermeture exceptionelle" (exceptional closure).

This last point would have been handy to know when I visited the store where the machine was purchased to take advantage of the two-year warranty left on the machine. I arrived promptly at 10am, the appointed hour for the store opening, hoping to avoid a line and get to my job within a reasonable hour (I'm American, you see, so time is still objective). 45 minutes later, the store owner sauntered up the street, and without so much as a "Bonjour," nodded in my general direction and said, "The rain, you know...." Of course, I thought, the "rain" is cause for an "exceptional opening."

After explaining my situation, he took down my number, looked at all the necessary documents, checked his database to confirm my documents, and told me, "My headquarters will call you. Probably sometime later today."

As Rule No. 1 dictates, however, "today" could mean tomorrow, the next day, or next week. I decided to expect nothing.

Rule No. 2: The result is never what you expected

My washing machine has often promised that it would "dry" my laundry, but it has actually never dried a load... ever. After five hours of futile spinning (and endless expenditure of electricity), the clothes come out moist and cold.

Rule No. 2 fully applied when I tried to get my washing machine fixed. When the store manager told me that the headquarters would call me, I thought they would call me to fix my washing machine. The headquarters called me the day after my visit, but instead of fixing my machine, gave me the number of the manufacturer to call.

The problem was -- the number they gave me was wrong. I called back several times with no response, and finally had to go back to the store in the evening. When I got to the store, however, there was an "exceptional closure". (Rule No. 1 really bites.)

The next day, I went back to the store, who again told me that the headquarters would call me. The headquarters called, I received the right number, and I called the manufacturer. The manufacturer told me that I needed to call another number, and that number told me to call a service agent unaffiliated with the manufacturer to set up an appointment. My washing machine had now been flooded for five days.

And finally, some good bit of news: the repairman could come on Saturday.

Rule No. 3: It is always your fault

Rule No. 3 is the Golden Rule of France. When I lived in Japan, every other sentence out of my mouth was "sorry." In France, I need not say it because it is assumed and implied in every interaction. Some key examples of how this rule is applied for the uninitiated:

• I'm sorry I bothered your reading of the newspaper by attempting to pay for your product
• I'm sorry to infringe on your nice smoke in a prohibited area by coughing at the noxious fumes you are emitting
  
• I'm sorry to suggest that it was in any way, shape, or form your fault by offering an explanation for why I'm back in your store because the product you gave me was defective (See Rule No. 2)
  

My washing machine made full use of this rule on the day it was fixed (or rather the repairman did). On Saturday morning, the repairman arrived at my apartment at the appointed hour (VICTORY!). After emptying the laundry water out by using my fine china bowls, he proceeded to poke around the pipes of the machine and produced..... (voilà!) a hair ball.

Judging from the color and length of the hair, it wasn't mine. But the repairman didn't seem to mind as he berated me for wasting his time by calling him on such an insignificant matter. According to him, I should have checked the pipes, and that in the future, he would refuse to come. I decided not to mention the time that I had spent trying to get the problem fixed. I also decided not to mention that this was, in fact, his job.

[NOTE: To show I learned my rules well, and remembering Rule No. 2, I wasn't so sure he had fixed the problem as promised, and so I asked the repairman to stay while I did a load. He didn't seem to mind -- all time is relative anyway (see Rule No. 1).]

A couple days later, the manufacturer sent me a form asking for my comments and to "assure [me] of [their] high considerations" (a stock phrase in French letters). I have to say all in all, I'm pretty satisfied.

Summer Holidays

Before I came to France, I understood that summer holidays were sacrosanct in France (and indeed, most of Western continental Europe). I did not understand what this meant until recently, when I tried to make reservations for August 1 at several restaurants. I was told that were closed until September.

The other day, I looked up the hours of a store I intended to visit. This (approximately) were the hours:

OPEN

Tuesday - Saturday

10:00 - 12:00

14:00 - 17:30

CLOSED

Sundays, July

In fact, I woke up one random weekday morning in June to find that the boulanger across the street was closed. It hasn't been open since, although it's almost August, and there's no sign of when they might be open again.

French Public Service

I called the French electricity service today to fix the name on my account. (They incorrectly recorded no less than my sex, the spelling of my name, and the order of my first and last names.) I was greeted with the following automated message in French:

Thank you for calling ____. If you have your account number, please enter it now. If you do not have your account number, please press the pound sign so that you pause this message while you look for your account number.

I decided to hang up and call back later, which was probably their goal all along.

Valued in Paris

One of the great things about living in another city is to be immersed in its rhythm and discovering how a new place infiltrates every aspect of your life. Last week marked my one-month anniversary in Paris (and it was appropriately celebrated with the arrival of all my furniture!). In just a month, I have started to notice that the things that I seek out and value in Paris (and what are sought by others) are different than the things that were highly coveted in New York.

New Yorkers often take the time to note that a place has "great outdoor space" or a dish that is "totally organic and only [X] calories." A Parisian would never think to note something so pedestrian. Every restaurant has outdoor space (for the smokers). Anything worth eating in France is totally organic. As for the low caloric content? It just means they need to add more butter.

So, what are the things that Parisians (or expats in Paris) look for? Here are some examples:

• Anything open after 8pm
• Anything open on Sunday
• Air conditioning (Fellow Parisians, this technology exists!)
• Any place with good service
• Proximity to a Monoprix (it's like a mix of Duane Reade and Whole Foods)
• A large and diverse marché (farmers' market)
• Thai food/Indian food/any food with spice
• Metro plans of one train transfer or less (okay, so this would be coveted in NYC as well)
• A view of the Eiffel Tower

Thus, it's not rare to hear, "It's a great restaurant -- and it's open on Sunday!" or "I actually found a good Thai restaurant!" By the way, I'm still looking for both, so if you know of one, please let me know!